Reflections on this year

This year has been a difficult one for me, perhaps characterized as a year of "midlife crisis" in which I have had to rethink a lot of things, dreams, plans, etc. This was in the works several years ago as I struggled with disappointments in ministry, facing possible cancer in 2004, several surgeries, barrenness, my accident in 2006, and other emerging chronic illnesses. Things in my life weren't going exactly as I had always envisioned or planned. With all these unexpected turn of events I have been reminded that I am not in control of my life. I have also seen people I know pass from this life in death, and it brings to mind that life is short, and there may not be a tomorrow.

I feel I am finally coming to a peace and resolution to the "crisis", and know more intimately who I am in Christ, and what cannot be shaken. I am learning better how to discern between what people expect of me and what God expects of me. I have discovered that many times I have lived to fulfill the expectations and obligations set before me by others, or even my perception of what they have expected of me, and in doing so, I have not become fully myself. I realize that God has made each of us to reflect uniquely a part of his masterful perfection, and without each of us being what we were meant to be (I'm not talking about being a doctor, missionary, etc, but rather something more intrinsic), we cannot fully reflect that part of Him in us, and glory is taken away from Him. Many times that part of Him that He put in us doesn't make sense to the world, as they expect performance that fits into an established mold.

I am determined to live the rest of my life reflecting His glory by living life to the fullest using all of the gifts and holy desires that He has put inside my heart, sharing the insights I learn along the way with others to build up the body of Christ, and hopefully drawing others to Him.