Sleepless Nights

Tonight, as with many other nights, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning unable to get back to sleep. I don't know about you, but this happens all too often. I haven't been myself this week. I've felt "off" physically. My stomach has not felt right. I've been more tired. And I've experienced sadness more than usual.

 

It's no secret that I have struggled with depression all of my life. It has not been a constant emotion. But there are periods of months where it has been. Sometimes it lasts longer than other times. Sometimes it has been hormonal. Sometimes it has been seasonal. Sometimes it has followed periods of sickness, or unrelenting trauma, grief, disappointment, or stress. Sometimes it is simply a veil of sadness that I cannot seem to shed. There have been times when I have wished God would take my life.

 

As a follower of Christ, it is easy to believe that something is wrong with my faith when I face these emotions. Now I know better. I know that the body and brain are connected. When we are not feeling well physically, it can affect our brain and our emotions. I have also learned that my sadness is a reckoning with the brokenness of this world. I know too much. I have seen too much. My memory doesn't lie. I simply can't deny the truth that this world is not a walk in the park. Most people choose to drown it out with things that numb it out. A beer. A margarita. A binge of Netflix. A spa day. A shopping spree. Whatever it takes to feel better. Shoot, even the psychiatrist tells you you need a pill. You shouldn't feel this way, they tell you. It's not normal, they tell you.

 

Now, I am not saying that medications aren't helpful to reboot your brain into health. Indeed, it is sometimes needed, especially when our depressed thoughts keep us from functioning, or tell us to do things that are harmful, like try to take our own life. And counseling is also very helpful when our thought processes are faulty, and when our thinking spirals out of control down rabbit trails that are not in line with truth.

 

But the reality is, when we are honest, our minds can really wrestle with the reality that life falls short of our expectations. When things are going well, it is easy to be on an emotional high. But when things don't go the way we expect them to, we know that something is wrong. 

 

The Bible gives us the answer. In Genesis we read about how God created everything perfect. It was literally the Garden of Eden. He created us to live in that perfect world. That is what we were made for. Deep in our psyche, our minds know this. It's in our DNA. But in Chapter 3 we read about how everything went terribly wrong. The enemy came in, told Adam and Eve a lie, and they bought it. They disobeyed God, and he cast them out of Eden. He pronounced a curse on the earth. Now Adam would toil for his food "through the sweat of his brow." Now Eve would give birth to children in pain. Death would be the final punishment. Are they supposed to be happy about this?

 

The answer is no. And neither are we. This is being honest about the curse. But even in that pronouncement of the curse, God gave a message of hope. He said that someday one of Eve's descendants would crush the power of Satan. That descendant is Jesus. You see, God chose to come to earth himself in the form of a man, Jesus, and fix this broken world himself. He experienced the same sadness we did. He faced the pain of hunger and temptations in the wilderness. He experienced the grief of his friend's death. He felt anger at injustice and corruption. He experienced the betrayal of his close friends. And he suffered the pain of one of the most brutal types of torture and death, death on a cross. And in doing that, he broke the power of sin and death once and for all for those who choose to trust in his power to do so. He proved it by returning to life on the third day, and showing us that we, too, can be resurrected, not only to an eternal life with him after we die, but a newness of life here on earth.

 

Friend, if you are feeling despair and hopelessness, I've got good news for you. Your faith is not broken. The world is. But there is real hope. Not a promise that your life is going to suddenly get easier, better, and you won't have any more problems. Not a pill that will make all your negative emotions go away. But a promise that will help you endure the hard times and sad moments of this life. That hope is Jesus. The Bible tells us that he promises to give us an abundant life knowing he has overcome the power of the curse and that, when we choose to trust in Him, we will spend eternity with him. He promises to "wipe every tear from our eyes" (Revelation 21:4). He reminds us that, "in this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). He said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27). For those who trust in him, he promises that God has a place for them in heaven, and he has gone ahead of us to prepare a place there for us. He said he will come back take us to be there with him (John 14:1-3). 

 

These are words of real hope. Until then, we are to wait. To trust. To lean on him. You see, the curse was put there to remind us that we need him. It is a God-shaped hole in our hearts that can only be satisfied with Him. So when you are having a bad day, he wants you to lean on him and him alone.

As I lay awake tonight, the words of this song by Brian and Jenn Johnson flood my mind. I share it with you and pray it comforts you with real hope in your time of sadness, and points you to the one whose arms are strong enough to carry you through it all by his grace.

 

I rest my soul on Jesus when the mountains shake

I put my trust in Jesus the moment I awake

And when my soul is lost at sea, he will be my rock

My vision be in Christ alone, this grace is all we've got

His love is like a mighty ocean, His love for me will never stop

Oh, his arms are strong enough to carry me through it all by the grace of God.

So high upon his shoulders, safely brought this far,

Helper of my helpless soul, the king of broken hearts.

His love is like the mighty ocean,

His love for me will never stop

Oh, his arms are strong enough to carry me through it all by the grace of God.

You are the passion of my life, Lord Jesus,

You are the song within my soul,

My strength, my hope, my all in all is you, Jesus, you.

When breath grows still and life draws near, I will not be afraid,

I know the plans he has for me don't finish at my grave.

His love is like the mighty ocean, his love for me will never stop,

Oh, his arms are strong enough to carry me through it all by the grace of God.

 

https://open.spotify.com/track/2NLGDqOvvIU1ZNzAFHeVcO...

 

Holding the family together on a "bad" day

For me a "good day" or a "bad" day is defined most often by my physical health and how few crisis arose. On “good days” I get up early, get in a 15-20 minute quiet time before everyone is up, I am able to cook, do a little cleaning, keep the kids’ homeschooling going, check email, do a little internet browsing, take a walk outside, read stories to the children, get in a little sewing, and relax in the evening watching a tv episode with my hubby. If I’m really lucky, I’ll get a few hours in working on a language project, like the grammar book I have been editing.

But today was not one of those days. Yesterday I forgot to take my thyroid hormone supplement, and didn’t remember till this morning. I have taken a supplement since four years ago when I had a partial thyroidectomy due to three pre-cancerous tumors my doctor found. Whenever I don’t take my supplement, I usually pay for it the next day. Such was the case today. I slept in and didn’t have the energy to get up in time to have quiet time. I got through breakfast and even read the kids a few stories, but then school started. Now for me on a “bad” day, when my thyroid hormone levels are not where they should be, my brain shuts down. If that happens at the same time as any crisis, I’m in trouble. Multi-tasking demands are the first thing to trigger it. It is almost like a switch goes off. Once I am in the middle of one thing, and another thing presents itself, I get confused, forgetful, and suddenly cannot process anything, even the first thing I was doing. That is what happened today. I was doing school with my 6-year-old, when I remembered I needed to make a phone call. While making the phone call, listening to it ring on the other end, my 11-year-old comes to me with a question about how to attach pictures to an email to his friends for an assignment he is writing for school. I look at the clock and realize that it was getting close to lunch time and I hadn’t even begun to think about what to fix for lunch. Suddenly realizing that four things were now presenting themselves which only I could do, I felt tired, weak, confused, and needed to lay down. I did so, realizing that if I didn’t get my “act together”, no one would eat.

This is the interesting dilemma I am sure many a mother faces on a “hectic” day. For me, it is complicated by my hypothyroidism. Some days it just seems that if I can’t keep it all together, keep everything organized, keep everything running smoothely, everything will cease to function, things will come screeching to a halt, everyone will starve to death. I am thankful for my older kids who can help out. So I asked my kids to stop school and, one step at a time, I walked them through turning our leftover cream-of-wheat from breakfast into corn fritters, and making the left-over bread into toast so they could eat something for lunch. I quietly lay down in bed, drank some “triple greens” (which I have found to be brain food), and let my brain recover a little and get past the tangled “knot” in my brain so I could think clearly again.

A time of reprieve

I am thankful this week for God's mercy in answering several prayers. So many times our family prays and prays for months for something, without any answers. So it brings a rushing sense of freshness and relief when God answers so many all at once, even if small ones. I have been suffering from symptoms of Meniere's disease again since July now, and it has really put a "damper" on most everything - I feel horrible most of the time and have to rest more often, sleep more often and severely restrict my diet. At times I have just burst into tears because of the unrelenting roaring in my ear, and the fact that eating is no longer a joy as I can't eat any salt. Every night before bed my husband and children pray for me the same prayer "help mommy's ear to get better." Then this past week I had a whole week without symptoms. My nasty-bitter salt substitute actually began to taste like real salt to me.

There were several other answers to prayers too. After months of shaking phone and internet connections our phone line finally got fixed well and has a really good connection. The computer problems Jim was having for over two months that were keeping him from making any progress were resolved.

Lastly, one of African guards began slacking on his job and not showing up for work regularly since August and leaving our home unprotected in a crime-ridden city. He also did odd jobs for me, which I highly depended on, and he wasn't showing up for that either. It was really stressing me out and I was getting desperate and feeling so helpless. So we let him go, and found another guy to work for us. This second guy then began asking us for higher wages, four times what the normal pay was, and we had to let him go as well. When we called a back-up worker we had used before, he was not unavailable as he had taken another job. We prayed for 6 days that God would bring us someone faithful to available to do the job. Then Sunday afternoon a neighbor, Aliyou, showed up. He was looking for work. He agreed to our terms with no questions asked and was so grateful and thankful for a job. His wife had suffered a severe case of malaria in August which has resulted in brain damage, and she was now bedridden and unresponsive. Everyone was saying it was a demon, and that she was being punished for having had an adulterous relationship with her brother-in-law. A friend and I had begun to go visit her about a month ago, and prayed over her, read to her from the Gospels. We began counseling the family how to help her using physical and occupational therapy to perhaps regain some of her abilities. We encouraged the husband to be gentle with her, forgiving her and showing love to her, which is what she needed. Little by little he is seeing her come around. Now she is getting up by herself and is talking to him some. And the wonderful thing is that God is blessing us now with Aliyou as a worker.
I am just thankful for the way God works through different situations. So many times I feel like giving up hope that anything good will ever happen in certain situations. I am truly thankful for little blessings and answers to prayers.