Relationships in God's Economy

I have been reading about bonding and our need for relationship. Relationships are essential to our existence, to our happiness, to our well-being. I find it refreshing to know that God makes us whole in our lives through relationships. I was always told that if we rely too much on other people, we aren’t relying enough on God. I always struggled with that though, because I always found eventually that relationships made me feel complete. When I’m lonely, even if I seek out God, I am still relieved of my loneliness by relationships. I believe God has created us with a deep foundational need for relationships and when we don’t have it, or when those relationships are not right, life is miserable. This is a sign of our deep need to maintain healthy relationships in our lives. Many young ladies mistakenly seek out the wrong relationships to ease that need to bond with someone, by hooking up with the wrong guy, or offering a form of intimacy in order to find that bonding they so desperately need because they lack it in their home life, or elsewhere. They are looking for the right thing, but in the wrong place.

Looking to God’s Word, we see from the beginning of Creation God said “it is not good for man to be alone.” Throughout Scriptures the word “love” is written all over the place. Jesus says that the greatest command is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. Relationships. Paul states in 1 Corinthians 13 that above all things love is the greatest thing, the most important thing we can do. Well, wake up world! We can’t “love” others without relationships! Relationships are the key! When relationships are broken, people suffer, things go awry, productivity dimishes, crimes happen. When relationships are restored, happiness returns, healing takes place and people thrive and are productive. God’s Word is a tapestry interwoven throughout with teachings on how to do relationships right.

From birth God created us to thrive and exist only in relationships. A newborn baby is totally dependent on its mother. From birth the mother holds the baby, rocks the baby, soothes the baby when it is crying, and speaks soft words to the baby, wooing it into the human race. Without that relationship the baby would not survive or thrive. Instiutionalized babies and children often lack happiness and well-being, developing all sorts of abnormal coping mechanisms to compensate for that lack of bonding. This is not normal and not healthy. The human race is not made up of humans, but of humans IN relationships, who could not pro-create without relationships. Society is healthy only when the individuals work together in a synchronized inter-dependent fashion, meeting one another’s needs.

It is through healthy relationships that God restores and heals people. God comforts us through other people. All counselors will agree that no amount of counseling, or spiritualizing will help a hurting person, put that person in a redemptive parish community of a support group, they have a much greater chance of recovering from just about every addiction, trauma or crisis in life and learning to lead a productive, healthy life. Knowing God loves us in spite of what has happened to us is important, but it is difficult to know that and feel that unless someone tells us that and shows us that THROUGH relationships. Having other people reach out to us in our time of need who empathize with our pain is God’s way of reaching out to us. It is when we see the genuine Christ-like love in others that we can truly sense the depth of God’s love for us. And it is when we act out that love toward others that they see God’s love in us and are drawn to Himself. We cannot expect lost people to come to God without seeing His transforming power having its effect in relationships. When God transforms a life, it is truly a miracle, going against the fiber of the sinful world, and it has the power to transform other lives around it through relationships.

If we never had this deep sense of God’s love for us through relationships when we were young, we may follow one of several paths. One, we may remain isolated, rationalizing that we are just “loners”, but knowing all along deep inside that we are “lonely people” and unhappy. We tend to be self-sufficient, yet restless. Another course we may follow is that we allow people into our lives on the surface, but we never become intimate, because we fear things we do not know. In this case too, we feel lonely in a crowd, we have never bonded with others, it is all surface. We have never expressed our needs and allowed others to meet them. A third way is to learn that God heals us through bonding with others in healthy relationships, and we embrace it. When we pray to God, He hears us, but also beckons us to share our burdens with others so they can do the work of the body of Christ and share our burdens with us. When others pray with us and for us, the flood gates of heaven are opened!

I find it interesting the impact that birth control and family planning has had on our society in this way. God designed married women to bear children on the average every two years, sometimes more often. In the natural order of things the large family was the norm. I have found in my own experience that when I was a mother of two, our family had a very different dynamic than when we moved to four children. At some point around four children the needs of the family become so great that it will not function until everyone pitches in and plays a role. The dynamic changes, and the members of the family are pushed into a natural interdependency, which helps bonding take place and creates a healthy supportive community. It takes more effort and determination on the part of the parents to assure a healthy, functioning family relationship, but it is well worth the effort. I don’t know too many children who come from large families who are selfish, self-centered and unhappy. Most of them are well-adjusted, compassionate and thoughtful of others. With two children, it is easy to spoil them and give them a privileged life. With four or more, that becomes impossible, unrealistic, and indeed ridiculous. Maybe, just maybe, in trying to maintain the 2.2 children, our society has been missing something very vital to our human existence and happiness.

I was one of those children who grew up in the family with 2.2 children. I remember always longing for more siblings. We moved a lot, and it was difficult for me to bond with other kids. Now I know that having a larger family meets the needs for intimacy on many levels. I find it interesting that many large homeschooled families tend to cut back on extra-curricular activities because they often can’t find the time, but they also need it less. Socialization happens in a large family in ways that it cannot happen in a smaller family. In smaller families children need more interaction with outsiders to get the needed “socialization”. Again, maybe our society has overlooked the beauty of what God intended all along. When we mess with God’s design, we mess-up a lot of the built-in mechanisms for healthy functioning.

Living in community, whether in a large family or a close knit body of believers who support one another and live out God’s transforming power in relationships, we learn how God uses relationships to grow us spiritually as well. One author I read shared about a mother who said it was easier to grow spiritually before she became a mom. She had always been told that the only way to grow was to read her Bible and pray more each day. That is what counted. She had never been taught to see that caring for two young children was a training ground for spiritual transformation where she could learn gratitude, humility, patience, forebearance, servanthood and any number of spiritual attributes better than any other place. From being a mother of many children, I have learned more about these things than at any other time or place in my life. I have learned more about God as well.

Redemptive Time

Today I was reading a section of a book about "redemptive time". I found many aspects of the discussion relevant to my life right now. There are seasons in every person’s life – a time to keep and a time to throw away. For years I have been keeping junk, stuff that “you never know” you might need. For the past year as we have planned an eventual departure from Africa we have been doing a lot of downsizing, purging our home of unused and unnecessary things. Little by little we have made decisions about virtually every item we possess – does it bear some special memory that I must hold on to it as a keepsake? Is it something that is still very useful to me? Would I have to buy another one in the US if I got rid of this one? Is it something I can live without? Is it too bulky to take home in a suitcase? Should I sell some in a garage sale? Should I throw it away?

Jim and I are in a period of transition in our lives, moving from one continent and way of life to another. We will need to rebuild our lives in a new context, but we aren’t quite where we need to be to rebuild. We are still in that stage where we are decluttering and purging out the unnecessary stuff. This is a hard place to be sometimes. It is hard because it is a place of “limbo”, and in many ways the progress we so desire is still out there, illusive. The dream we want to build is still far off. There is still so much clutter to get rid of and get out of the way, and the remainder of our time here that we need to complete to "finish well". I am trying to see the decluttering and waiting as part of the building process so that I do not grow discouraged.

People always want quick fixes. I want a quick fix. But change and transition takes time. The same is true with life in general. Life is often a desert journey that takes time. Just like a quick cheap thrill may feel good, but only a faithful loving relationship with a married spouse brings real intimacy. A get-rich-quick scheme may lure us, but blessings come through restraint, self-control, careful planning and saving. Time. Quick diet fads promise to help us lose weight, but only a life-long commitment to a disciplined approach will help us maintain a healthy weight. Medication can help us cope temporarily with crisis and depression, but they do always help us build the character we need to persevere through life.

I am drawn to the example of the papaya tree. We have many in our yard in Africa. They seem to sprout up everywhere, wherever the seeds fall. They are one of the fastest growing trees I have ever seen, often bearing fruit in the first year. Their wood however is soft and airy. Often the tree falls after 5 years or so, too tall to bear its own weight. So too without time growth is not mature or healthy growth, and is doomed for failure. Without time healing is only temporary and does not endure when another crisis arise. Someone once said “the longest distance between two points is the shortcut.” How many times have I found that true trying to get out of a traffic jam.

In Mark 4 Jesus talks about how a farmer plants grain and it grows on its own “thought he does not know how”. That teaches us that we cannot will growth into happening. It just happens. And it takes time. God makes it happen. Just like he makes our bodies heal after they are wounded. He also makes our hearts heal after they are wounded – after the cancer is removed of course. We cannot hide a part of ourselves. If our true self is hidden or suppressed, it may not grow with the rest of us and is left behind. When our true selves are placed in God’s hands in the presence of redemptive time, He can make us into His reborn, remoulded creation for His glory.

A Time of Change is Coming

Looking out my kitchen window, through the opend louvred glass panes powdered with dust, the anti-vole bars and screen I see and hear my children playing together in the garden, laughing, chasing eachother, swinging, running, enjoying the youth of their life without a care in the world. I cherish this moment. I realize that it won’t be long before they will never again play in this garden. They will have a new home. We will be relocating to the US in less than 5 months. Will they miss the freedom of this place? Will they long for this open, beautiful garden that has become their own private home and playground for as long as they can remember? I try to look forward to the new place that will become our home, but something will always be missed about this place. It was our first real home. It is the only home our children have ever known. Will they grow to love the new place as they have loved this place? I moved a lot as a child, and remember the resentment I felt every time we moved. But I always like the new place better in the end. I hope they can see the good and bad of each, and cherish each for the special place that each one is.

Weekly P.E. Time With Dad

Every Friday Jim spends an hour or so doing something special with the kids in the line of Physical Education for our homeschool. It has been a lot of fun for the kids, and an opportunity to learn a lot about staying in shape and having fun while working together as a team. Recently he put up a special pull-up bar on the tree house so that the kids could do pull-ups (and so he could do them too, of course!). The kids found it a lot harder than it looked. Most of them could not even do one. Jim did something like 15 - woah! I was impressed. I am not even going to try it, because I KNOW that I won't be able to do one.

He also has a personal fitness goal of doing 100 pushups at one time. He is working on it little by little.

Using the PROM Principle to Clean My House

Keeping the house clean has always been something that I strive to do well. It has been particularly challenging doing this in the part of West Africa where I live, where 7 months out of the year it is dry season, and the harmattan winds carry dust daily into my house, covering everything with a thin layer every few days. Having four children certainly makes the job all the more challenging. 2 years ago Linda Koenig, a homeschool mom of 10, led a seminar that I attended in which she described the way she keeps her house clean while homeschooling 10 kids - it was amazing. I have always done things sort of like she did, but her ideas motivated me to do it more routinely and in a more organized fashion. Some of her ideas come from the MOTH book ("Manages Of Their Homes" by Teri Maxwell), a celebrated book among large families. These ideas help me keep my sanity in organizing my home.

Another good resource is a book "Totally Together: an Organizational Journal for the Busy Household" by Stephanie O'Dea, whose ideas she shares on her blog http://www.totallytogetherjournal.com. There she describes some cleaning/organizing steps under the acronym she calls "PROM". I thought I would share here some of her ideas with notes on how I adapt it to my situation:

P

Purge. Stephanie: Grab a large plastic garbage bag, and go through quickly and just start tossing. If something is obvious garbage, get it out of your sight, and out of your house. There is no reason to save a random puzzle piece or a Barbie shoe. Just toss it. After your first pass through a room (or drawer, toy box, etc.) go back with another bag or bin for charity. If you have items that are no longer beneficial to your family, pass them along to someone who could truly need your give-aways. Do not give away items that are badly worn, damaged, or missing parts. That’s not fair to anyone.

(Karen's note: I do this by dividing up the house mentally into 6 sections, and I work on each section

one day a week under ideal situations. I take a basket with me for the decluttering part, and throw anything that doesn't belong in the room, including trash, in that basket. Most of the time there is a LOT of trash. When the room is clean, I distribute the items in the basket into their proper "pookah" or container or place in the house where they belong. In our house everything has a place it belongs. We also have a box for things to return to other people, as suggested by Linda Koenig, and a labeled box for library books and videos ready to return, tucked out of the way. Linda Koenig has a little different twist to this: she suggests labelling four boxes while cleaning a room to put those items in that don't belong:

Put Away Give Away Throw Away Store Away

R

Remove. Stephanie: Once you have purged items, seal the bag or box up securely and do NOT look inside. Keep purged items away from children who will gladly rifle through cast-aways to discover lost treasure. Take garbage to the outdoor bin or to the local dump. Give still-useful items to charity. There are numerous organizations who will gladly accept your items. If your family would prefer to hold a garage sale, schedule one right away. Holding on to items for too long is just as bad as never purging in the first place. Craigslist and freecycle are your friends; use them.

(Karen's note: Almost weekly I remove things from our house to give away. I am constantly going through the clothes finding stained ones or torn ones to get rid of, or small ones that go in storage for the next kid to grow into, and sifting through books and toys that the kids never play with, etc. We keep boxes in storage for garage sales. We also have a "recycle bin" for toilet paper rolls, plastic containers, etc that the kids use for crafts. Many of those crafts also get thrown out on a regular basis when I do the "Purge" part, and we have a "pookah" for crafts too. We recycle jars for canning; in Africa we store our overflow of plastic bottles, tin cans and jars in a box till it is full; then we take the full box out to the neighborhood and set it down. Usually before I can even set it down the whole neighborhood converges on it and takes what they need. I love the way the local children recycle tin cans by reshaping them into little cars and trucks.)

O

Stephanie: O is for organize. Take the time to group like items together and put in storage containers that are sturdy, accessible, and attractive. These containers do NOT need to cost a lot of money, nor do they necessarily need to match. Your local dollar store has lots of baskets and containers that will do just fine for storage. When storing children’s items, label clearly on the outside of a solid container what is housed inside. When I ran

preeschool centers, I’d often take a photo of the toys, or cut a picture out of a catalog or magazine to help pre-readers identify what lived inside each box or bin.

(Karen's note: This is the "pookah" part. Our family is really into pookas. I love going to garage sales and buying used containers or "pookahs". Lately though I am steering toward clear sterilite containers that I can see through, and I make labels on everything - I really need to get a label maker!)

M

Stephanie: Maintain. This is the hardest one, I know. We all have good intentions of keeping up with our newly-organized spaces, yet somehow life gets in the way sometimes. It’s okay. If you take the time to think about each and every purchase you make, or item that comes into your home, you will not get overwhelmed. Let well-meaning relatives know that although buying large stuffed animals for gifts can pack a momentary punch, a gift-certificate to the local museum or zoo is a much more useful gift. Take back your home—-when your home feels cluttered, your brain feels cluttered and you’re more apt to anxiety, depression, and a quick-temper.

You can’t expect your house to look like a magazine or design catalog, but you can expect children (and spouses!) to clean up after themselves.

(Karen's note: This is where my family comes in. Everyone has their chore. And everyone must know my system of organization that I have established. I try to train everyone on this on a regular basis, and make adjustments when necessary. We have an older kid teamed up with a younger kid to help keep them accountable to their chore and to keep things put where they belong. Linda Koenig has her kids do this first thing every morning, and they can only get out one "pookah" at a time. She keeps her house "company ready" at all times, something we also strive to do. I also make a schedule for my kids and an activity list so they can clearly see they must finish and clean up after an activity before. We do the cleaning up in the evening, and by bedtime all the toys are put away, floors are swept and mopped, making it easier for me to get started the following day with a clean house, when mornings are already pretty packed full of chores and things to do for everyone. This helps me to not feel so overwhelmed in the mornings. Then I go around the house to my six areas each day of the week and do a super cleaning, de-clutter of that area. This way I do it a little at a time, so if company comes over by surprise there is less of a disaster to deal with.)

A Very Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. I'm not going to say my age, but let's just say I'm almost half way into my 5th decade. Many people seem shocked when they discover my age - I on the other hand have a constant reminder - not the gray hairs and wrinkles (though they are there), but the aches and pains of arthritis and other ailments. Still, I am thankful for what I can still do, and for all the blessings God has sent my way. My husband and children are some of them. Today my almost 13-year-old daughter baked and decorated a birthday cake for me on her own. I was so proud of her. My 11-year-old son who is really into making stop-motion videos made me one in which the words "Happy Birthday Mommy" magically wrote themselves on the chalk board. My third oldest, Aisha, who is 6 was amazed that I was "born" at one time, and my youngest, Gabriel, who is 4, just wanted to know when we get to eat the cake. They all made me cards and Jim plans to take me out to dinner this evening. It was so nice to be pampered in that way, and to see my children using their talents to bless others.